It's a crisp, cloudless morning, and ATC's parking lot is filled with startlingly provocatorio men be-coveralled and be-squareglassed (and fierce-looking nonetheless). Every two minutes, teams of five ride off into the sunrise with cue sheets in pocket, ready to traverse the recently revealed route of 100 miles. This, mio amico, is Wooly Mammoth's 1st Ultra Provocatorio Invitationale, sponsored by the Law Office of Bradley Houston, Tacodeli, DNA Distributing, Specialized, Velocite, and yours truly, the illustrious and magnifico ATC. 
Race participants hail from far and wide. Handsome five-somes of Wooly Mammoths, Bicycle Sport Shopians, Shamas, VC Legends, Bicycle Intellectuals, Party Timers, and more streak down the route from Lamar to Southwest Parkway to Fitzhugh and out to the middle-of-nowhere-are-we-still-even-in-Texas countryside.
ATC's team is composed of seven participants, who though having exchanged many an emailed excuse in the preceding weeks, are all re-committed to competition on race morning. Pro triathletes Brandon and Amy Marsh lead the team, with stragglers Corey May, George Schmitz, Missy Ruthven, Jack Mott, and Kat Hunter bringing up the (somewhat distant) rear. This team, with its two ambiguous alternates, has no illusions -- since the finishing time is determined by the team's last finishers rather than its first, the glory will not be in winning the race, but in completing it.
And this is harder than one might expect. Though sunny, it's cold and windy, and the juniper trees are releasing clouds of chalk-like pollen that coat the tongue (extra calories, or bodily invasion?) and inspire sporadic fits of sneezing. Some parts of the route are very narrow and winding, and when teams catch or pass one another, fast-moving packs of jumbled kits form, a giant amoeba tightening and expanding like an accordion. At the back of such a group, two intrepid ATCers meet their match at a low-water crossing. (Three-time IM champion Amy, seeing the carnage in front of her, wisely walks her bike across the raging trickle.) The pack pauses briefly to survey the damage, and finding that no limbs or bodily organs are lost, moves on. To the friendly fellow who said, "Ah, it's the triathletes": Where's the love? Are you jealous of our superior bike-handling skills and aerodynamics? Keep up the mockery and we'll request that next year's route include a 2.4-mile swim.In addition to the challenges of the course and staying upright, trying to keep up with Brandon and Amy Marsh may very well be considered a health hazard in itself. This futile attempt lasts until the 50-mile checkpoint, where after filling up on food, water, and bellyaching, in typical triathlete fashion the ATCers split up. Brandon and Amy reach the speed of light, George is eaten by dragons near Dripping Springs, Corey begins a solo race, and Missy, Kat, and Jack are slowed by mechanical problems (yes, the other competition lucked out -- only such mechanical problems could prevent total domination).
And the race organizers add a touch of sadism at mile 90 -- Lost Creek and its infamous hills are part of the return route. But some of the pain and agony (SOME) is made up for at the Tacodeli finish, where there's free beer, cheap tacos, and a raffle for great prizes, including a brand new, sparkling set of carbon wheels donated by DNA Distributing.
The Ultra Provocatorio might perhaps be better termed the Ultra Purgatorio, but we'll wait until we find an Italian dictionary to submit our suggestion to the committee.
So how do you sign up next year? Work on your ultraness by making large donations to the Wooly Mammoth cycling team and establishing yourself as the greatest cyclist who ever lived. Or, well, just email Chris Trickey and beg.
See you out there. And stay tuned for Wooly Mammoth's video documentary of the event.
Congrats to the winners:
1st place: The Elegant Bastards, captained by Eardie Curry
2nd place: Squadra Delliziosa, captained by Alex Rodriguez
3rd place: The Woodsmen, captained by Brant Speed (and featuring four 15 year olds from Houston)
1st place: The Elegant Bastards, captained by Eardie Curry
2nd place: Squadra Delliziosa, captained by Alex Rodriguez
3rd place: The Woodsmen, captained by Brant Speed (and featuring four 15 year olds from Houston)
And many thanks to the providers of schwag and tasty things:
Austin Tri-Cyclist, Barrett's Coffee, Bakerman's, Pure Austin, Specialized, Holland Racing, Rack Outfitters, North by Northwest, and Chad Hodges of DNA Distributing
Thanks to Melinda Steele for the excellent photography
Missy, helmswoman of Austin Tri-Cyclist and mother of two, said triathlon first peaked her interest in 1984 when she saw “the infamous” Julie Moss crawl to the finish line of the Hawaii Ironman. A high school track and cross-country runner at the time, Missy went on to run track for the University of Texas in San Antonio for four years. After graduating in 1990, she entered her first tri and loved it, despite dog-paddling through most of the swim. A year later she won her age group in Du Worlds, and in 1995 her and Don’s honeymoon in Cancun was capped by a third-place age-group finish at that year’s Du Worlds. In addition to many other overall wins and a year competing as a pro duathlete, she qualified for Kona at the half-ironman in Panama City, Florida, in 1998, and at Kona placed fourth in her age group, narrowly losing third in a sprint finish. And those are just the highlights of Missy’s race resumé. She concentrates on local races now, and is first-place finisher at many of them.
Betty is another well-known athlete in Austin—at road races and criteriums her name on the roster means you’ve got your work cut out for you if you expect to finish anywhere near the front. But Betty got started only about four years ago. When she quit smoking at 39, a friend suggested she train for a marathon. She did, followed by a few half marathons, then a sprint-triathlon just after her 40th birthday. Her bike split was encouraging, so she began competing in road races, crits, and time trials. This past year she won Cat 3 overall at the Tour of Austin, also setting the fastest female TT time of the day in any category. In 2009, she was training for her first Ironman, but developed a femoral stress fracture that put her on crutches for three months, and sidelined her from running for another three after that. Depending on the time of year, you’ll find Betty, back in good health, out racing at the Driveway or in other cycling events or triathlons nearly every weekend. She races on the 
Maggi and her husband Dustin are recent additions to Austin’s triathlon community, moving here from Memphis, Tennessee, in August. Maggi was a cross-country runner in high school, and she and her husband have been racing together in triathlons since 1997. They were members of the Memphis racing team “Los Locos” for 10 years. From the last two years, race highlights for Maggi include winning first overall amateur in the New Orleans 70.3 in 2009 and 2010, second overall amateur at the Memphis in May Triathlon in 2009 and 2010, and second overall amateur at the Buffalo Springs 70.3 in 2010. Maggi won her bike, a Blue carbon fiber TT bike, at Nationals in 2009 with the fastest bike split, and was Tennessee state time trial champion in 2009. She also raced in Kona this year. (On the 
Jen has lived in Austin since she attended law school at the University of Texas in 1997, moving here from Galveston. “I used to complain about three-mile runs along the seawall,” she says, but when she met runner and future-husband Andy Stewart she decided to impress him by signing up for the NYC marathon. (It worked, we’re guessing.) After that she was hooked, and in her first five years of competing ran two to three marathons a year and most of the races in the Austin Distance Challenge. Jen has completed about 20 marathons. Her last competitive marathon was the California International in 2008, where she came within less than a minute of her personal best from 2003 (3:10). This year will be her fourth stint as a pacer for the Austin Marathon.
Avalanches, snow drifts, abominable snowhippies…it’s a dangerous season. But we’ve got all the essentials for cold-weather cycling, including gloves, balaclavas, arm warmers, windbreakers, tights, and shoe covers. Get the right gear and end the kvetching. (Wool socks make good stocking stuffers.)
In the winter it can be hard to fit in a ride outside. We’ve got Kurt Kinetic, CycleOps, and Blackburn brand trainers in stock. Now he has no excuse. Rainy? Dark? No problem. Using an indoor trainer is also a good way to do structured intervals without having to worry about traffic, hills, or getting chicked.
